In relationships, committed love and erotic desire are two very different things. If you ask your partner what committed love is, they could give you an answer. But, if asked what erotic desire is, what would they say? As therapists, we often see couples who have neglected the eroticism in their relationships, redirecting it or shutting it down altogether. We are given many models of committed love in our lives, but when looking for that “spark” to heat things up we often miss the mark.

What is Eroticism?

Esther Perel says it best when she describes eroticism by saying “eroticism isn’t sex; it’s sexuality transformed by the human imagination”. Eroticism is experienced through curiosity, imagination, anticipation and letting go of our responsibilities for a while. Eroticism is playful, adventurous, and uncertain. While love thrives on having, erotic desire thrives on wanting.

Erotic Blueprint

If you have ever taken the Five Love Languages quiz, then you are familiar with people having different ways of expressing their affection. Understanding someone’s love language allows you to connect with them in a way that feels safe and secure to them. There is something similar to love languages when it comes to erotic desire in couples, The 5 Erotic Blueprints.

Figuring out your erotic style, or blueprint, could be the key to helping you open the door to connection and pleasure! We are all wired differently for pleasure including turn-ons, turn-offs, needs, toys, and behaviors that align with our unique erotic blueprint. By understanding your style as part of the 5 Erotic Blueprints you are able to create pleasurable, fulfilling, and sexy experiences.

★ Energetic

○ Key words: intuitive lovers, need space, teasing, anticipation, sense of safety, easily distracted, deeply connect

○ Turn-ons: building erotic tension, eye contact, matched breath, staying present

○ Toys: essential oils, feathers with a soft touch

○ Shadows: very sensitive, easily overwhelmed, need strong boundaries

★ Sensual

○ Key words: all five senses, full body pleasure, prolonged experiences

○ Turn-ons: different types of touching, setting the mood, music, relaxation, positive reminders

○ Toys: eye masks and soft feeling fabrics

○ Shadows: can get stuck in their heads, tend to be picky

★ Sexual

○ Key words: certainty, easily and quickly aroused, sex leads to relaxation

○ Turn-ons: erotic visuals, dirty talk, nudity

○ Toys: something controlled by their partner, on/in/around erogenous zones

○ Shadows: can get so focused on the end result they miss the journey with their partners

★ Kinky

○ Key words: taboo, endlessly creative, imaginative

○ Turn-ons: personal rule-breaking, pushing the edge, intensity, hitting psychological buttons

○ Toys: sensation toys, pleasure mapping, bondage

○ Shadows: get stuck in ruts, think too much on the “why”, take risks

★ Shapeshifter

○ Key words: contrast, variety, constant exploration, erotically intelligent

○ Turn-ons: trying new things, layering and combining different forms of touch/play

○ Toys: the sky is the limit

○ Shadows: boredom, frustration, people pleasing

Written By:
Rebecca Nelson, MFT-I

Rebecca is a Marriage and Family Therapy Intern who specializes in Sex Therapy.

Learn more about Rebecca

Are you interested in finding out your erotic blueprint and finding your own pleasure profile to help deepen your connections in the bedroom?

Take the In-depth quiz as seen on Sex, Love & Goop to get your answers! Remember, one is not better than the other… we are all deserving of pleasure, just as we are!

Begin Working With A Therapist Today!

Our team would be honored to offer you and your partner support. We offer support from our Wake Forest, NC-based practice and across the state via online therapy. You can meet with a caring therapist by following these simple steps today:

1. Book your initial therapy session.

2. Meet with a caring therapist.

3. Start receiving the support you and your partner deserve.