Navigating Infertility
What is Infertility?
What. The. Hell. Infertile?!?! How is this possible? No one in my family has ever mentioned this. Why would they refer me to an infertility specialist? What does that even mean? I’m sure if you’re new to this journey you are struggling to grasp what you have been told and what it could mean for your relationship. Having kids is “supposed” to be easy or so they say. Well, let me be the first (of many) to tell you IT’S NOT. Contrary to popular belief, having children traditionally is more difficult than you might think.
1 in 4 people struggle with infertility.
Modern science tells us that infertility can be present in either partner and on some occasions both partners. 30% is contributed to a malefactor, 30% is contributed to a female factor, and 40% is a combination of male and female contributions.
So, what is infertility? Generally, infertility is defined as the lack of pregnancy or conception after one year of unprotected sex. If you are 35 years of age or older, the consensus is that the lack of a pregnancy is considered infertile after 6 months of trying. At this point, it is recommended to reach out to your doctor for an infertility evaluation. But, if you or your partner have a history of infrequent or absent menstrual cycles, tubal disease, a prior infertility diagnosis for you or your partner, and/or recurrent miscarriage, you may be able to see an infertility specialist before meeting the “time length” for trying to conceive.
There are many potential causes that may be affecting your journey to parenthood such as:
Premature ovarian failure (POF)
Polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS)
Endometriosis
Prolactin disorders
Tubal disease may be seen in assigned females (AFAB)
Additionally, some of the diagnoses seen in an individual assigned male (MAAB) are genetic disorders (such as Klinefelter syndrome XXY, y-microdeletions, etc), Endocrine conditions, varicocele (the enlarged vein that drains testis), lifestyle injuries such as drugs, steroids, extreme sports, STIs, obstructions (scar tissue from previous surgery), medications, and undescended testes. Unfortunately, there are situations in which medical professionals cannot find a “direct” cause for infertility. This can account for up to 25% of cases. Seek a medical professional for the best guidance on the treatment and management of your infertility journey.
How can infertility impact my relationship?
Sexual stress:
In an attempt to create the perfect environment for conception you may be placed on a schedule to try during ovulation and check your body temperature. This is not sexy at all. It becomes more of a checklist than something intimate with your partner. It can be difficult to break out of that mindset and connect with your partner. Try sprinkling in spontaneous sex so that you can incorporate fun back into your sex life.
Grief:
Your life is changing. Fertility treatment cycles, lost embryos, miscarriages. It is all so hard to grasp. The expectations on how you create your forever family may have changed and that can create anger, sadness, loneliness, and so many more emotions. It is okay to feel all of that. You and your partner may not know what you are feeling during this process. THAT IS NORMAL! Hold space for one another to express those emotions and grieve them together. If this is causing more conflict than comfort, it may be time to seek out help from a licensed marriage/relationship therapist.
“Throughout my life, there were a few hard days. Days where even when I tried to be happy, my heart still cracked, and Mother’s Day was one of those. For others, it stood as a celebration. For me, it spoke of loss and failure.” – Brittainy C. Cherry, Disgrace
Communication:
You and your partner may notice that you are easily irritated or easily angered. This can lead to increased disagreements. Disagreements on when to seek help, why this is happening, what treatment to pursue, when to stop treatments, whose experience is worse or more difficult, whose fault it is, fear of breakup/separation/divorce, isolation, etc. So many relationships struggle with communicating during this difficult time. Try to hold grace for one another that your lives have been shaken and each person may handle it differently. Be curious about your partner’s experience to create openness and vulnerability.
Finances:
Pursuing infertility treatments can become costly very quickly. Depending on if you have insurance or self-pay, the cost to receive a diagnosis can range from $200 - $5,000. That doesn’t even include fertility treatments or the cost of medication. IUI can cost up to $1000 and don’t even get me started on the cost of IVF cycles or egg/embryo storage. Needless to say, it adds up very quickly. Finding the best way to finance this already stressful journey can lead to arguments. Should we pursue treatment, should we borrow money or refi our house, should we ask family for help, should we look at adoption (Private adoption can cost up to 60k sheesh!)? In looking for solutions for your growing family, consider consulting with your employer or health insurance about benefits. Some employers also offer adoption assistance.
Support of family and friends:
A discussion about when or if to tell family and friends is a decision each relationship must make on its own. This can vary from person to person. One or more persons in the relationship may be struggling with embarrassment, blame, and/or shame. Though friends and family have the best intentions, at times their insensitive or uneducated remarks can cause more harm than good. Some common comments that come across as insensitive are: “You’re young”, “You still have time”, “At least you have more embryos”, “At least your pregnancy loss was early”, “You can always try again”, “Have you tried more sex”, “It’s all in God’s timing” “God has a plan”, “Why is it so difficult for you”, “It was easy for me...” etc. On the other hand, having people to help support you through this difficult journey can prove priceless.
“Don’t expect everyone to understand your journey, especially if they’ve never had to walk your path.” - Anonymous
Bodily Changes:
After the attempts at diagnosing and/or fertility treatments. You may notice that your body does not feel sexual anymore or that it is more sexual than before. This is normal. For some, the constant poking and prodding make intimacy difficult as it may remind them of the lack of control they have had with their sexual being. This may look like overstimulation (sensory overload), tensing up, crying, lack of lubrication, etc. Remember to be kind and gracious to one another as you rediscover what it means to be sexual in your relationship.
“You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it” – Margaret Thatcher
What can we do in Infertility Counseling in Wake Forest, NC?
Be sure to communicate with each other. Discuss your disappointments, hopes, dreams, negative thoughts, bodily changes, relationship fears, and concerns. This can maintain the intimacy and connection in your relationship while also minimizing the isolation that may arise between you. Find ways to be happy like:
Going to get froyo (frozen yogurt)
Playing cards
Axe throwing
Going to the gun range
Buying sexy lingerie
Getting massages
Going on weekly hikes
Visiting every restaurant that starts with “The”
Whatever it is that brings you all closer, incorporate that into your relationship.
Be understanding with your partner in that you are different individuals with different experiences and perspectives. Refrain from judgment in how your partner is facing their journey. Be compassionate and empathic towards their experience. Make a plan for your relationship which can include date nights, sex, costs of treatments, and time length for trying. Though a plan can be created, be open to compromise and flexibility as what you may want today could change tomorrow or next week.
You are embarking on a new journey, so it is understandable if you are struggling with communicating, compromising, and/or adjusting to this new information. Seek out a marriage/relationship counselor who can assist in facilitating those discussions. Remember, whatever road you travel, there is life after infertility and you can still plan to live it in a way that is fulfilling for you and your family.
Begin Working with An Infertility Counselor in Wake Forest, NC
You deserve support in navigating the unique issues infertility can bring. Our team of caring therapists would be honored to support you from our Wake Forest, NC-based therapy practice. To start your therapy journey, please follow these simple steps:
Learn more about our free winter workshop
Meet with a caring infertility counselor
Start following through on positive resolutions!
Other Services Offered At My Therapist
Infertility counseling isn’t the only service offered by our Wake Forest, NC-based practice. Our team is happy to offer individual therapy for relationship issues, couples workshops, and marriage counseling. We also offer family therapy, therapy for relationship trauma, couples intensive therapy, foundations of lasting love, and AAMFT supervision. For more helpful information, please read our blog or visit our services page!