The Importance of Asking "How Was Your Day?"
Modern life is incredibly busy, and between balancing job needs, family needs, and individual needs, it can often be difficult to remember to make time for our partners.
In fact, it can be quite easy to start taking them for granted. This change between them holding a key spot in our lives, to adopting more of a secondary role occurs so gradually that it’s hard to see it even happening.
In this way, couples need to set aside a little time every day for the essential communication that helps them to remain emotionally connected.
According to research conducted by John and Julie Gottman, friendship is absolutely essential to a satisfying and stable relationship. We would never dream of greeting our close friends without interested inquires into their day and their lives. The same should be true for our partners.
Yet the longer two people are together, the further such simple gestures of friendship decline. Bill Doherty, who is a professor of Marriage and Family Therapy at the University of Minnesota, points out that this decline is not because couples start to dislike each other but because they become too comfortable together.
So, taking the time to ask your partner how their day was is a simple way of re-establishing one of the ‘friendly’ gestures that demonstrate to your partner that you are interested in them, in how their lives are going.
However, as with all types of communication, there are some right ways and wrong ways to approach this daily ritual of connection. Kyle Benson from The Love Lab has the following recommendations:
· Firstly, you should agree on a time that works best for you both and make sure you set aside around twenty to thirty undisturbed minutes to chat with your partner each day – even if it’s right before you go to bed.
· During this time, you and your partner should take equal turns in speaking and listening to one another, either celebrating your individual victories or sharing your specific issues.
· You should stay away from talking about your marriage and any difficulties that the two of you are facing. The key focus of this time should be on sharing experiences rather than on pitting yourselves against one another.
· Don’t be afraid to express your emotions with your partner and encourage them to do the same with you – both positive and negative.
· Keep focused on what your partner is saying, maintain eye contact, ask pertinent questions, demonstrate interest, and show compassion.
· Practice empathy at this time and demonstrate your support with phrases such as ‘I agree with you,’ and ‘I would feel like that too.’ Make it clear that you are on their side, that the two of you stand together against any problems.
· Avoid trying to fix your partner’s problems for them unless they are explicitly asking you to. This can be particularly difficult because we naturally want to solve our partner’s issues so they will feel better. However, often people are just looking for a sympathetic ear before working out their own solutions.
· Finally, demonstrate affection for one another during these times. Hold hands, hug your partner to show that you care. Physical contact is, after all, an essential component of a romantic relationship.
This simple, daily act can offer your relationship substantial benefits. You and your partner will both come away from the interaction with a deeper appreciation of one another, a greater understanding of each other’s world, and the sense that you have someone on your side no matter what.
Citations
Benson, K. (2016, November 30). The One Daily Talk That Will Benefit Your Marriage. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-one-daily-talk-that-will-benefit-your-marriage/
Doherty, W. J. (2013). Take back your marriage: Sticking together in a world that pulls us apart. Guilford Press: New York.
Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (1999). The marriage survival kit: A research-based marital therapy. In R. Berger & M. T. Hannah (Eds.), Preventive approaches in couples therapy (p. 304–330).