Spot the Difference: Lust vs. Love
When you first meet someone and feel a physical attraction to them, it can be easy to start reading more into what you feel than is really there.
The initial phase of attraction is where you can find no fault in the other person. You focus on how they look, how the brush of their hand makes you feel, or when you think of them it is to fantasize about a physical relationship but not anything deeper.
There is a huge swell of hormones that makes you feel heady and euphoric at the beginning of lust. Sex itself leads to even more feel-good hormones being released, and like anything that makes you feel happy, you want more of it. Those feeling are also what let you ignore things that may be a turn-off for you. You don’t try to meet each other for dinner or conversation so as to avoid learning too much about them. Any deeper moments that may result in those heady blinders being removed are avoided by leaving soon after sex. If neither of you suggests public dates or wants to spend time with each other out of the bedroom, the connection between you is probably only skin deep.
The Effects of Lust
This is also the point where the warning signs that perhaps a more committed relationship with this person is not a healthy decision can be easily overlooked or ignored. Lust can make it easy to ignore when controlling or manipulative behaviors are being employed. The very shallowness of the relationship can lead you to believe you wouldn’t fall for those types of actions.
On the other hand, lust can often lead straight to love and a very healthy relationship. Once that rush dies down a little bit, you may find yourself inviting them over for a quiet night in enjoying each other’s company where you lose track of time talking and discussing mutual interests. This is where things can either advance into a more emotionally connected relationship or all of those little quirks you were able to ignore before become very noticeable.
What We Know About Love Vs. Lust from online couples therapy in North Carolina
Love comes from knowing a person, their thoughts, and feelings, wanting to spend time with them just talking or being together with no expectation of a physical encounter. Another strong indication that love is taking root is wanting to widen your circle by introducing each other to family and friends. The time you spent daydreaming about their touch has now become remembering a funny story they told you or wondering how they are doing during a stressful time.
Wanting to share in each other’s day-to-day lives, both the joys and struggles are also signs that you have moved from lust to love. Those in lust with another person are not usually even aware of difficulties or happiness in the other person’s life. Once both of you begin to talk and communicate with each other openly, that is the point where you know you are turning a corner in your relationship.
Distinguishing Love & Lust
There has been a great deal of scientific research done to determine whether someone is feeling lust or love, and a study published a few years ago showed where those two things might reside in the brain. In this study, it was found that lust inhabits a region of the brain called the insula, this area is activated by pleasurable experiences and is part of a larger region called the striatum. Love resides in another striatum area where your brain gives value to things that generate positive feelings. The two parts work together to develop feelings of love over time, and as the connection between you and your partner grows, the stronger those feelings become.
Here are some key questions to ask yourself to determine if you are in lust or love:
· What kinds of thoughts do you have about them when you are apart? Mostly physical or mostly emotional?
· Do you fantasize about their looks and body but not about making plans for a trip together?
· Or perhaps, you want to spend your time together exploring each other’s favorite places to eat and shop?
· Do you want them to meet the people to whom you are closest?
· Maybe, you want to share the stresses of each other’s day over a meal and conversation?
· Do you miss them when they leave?
Depending on how you answer those questions, you should be able to get a good idea of what you are feeling. If you are struggling with whether or not to continue your relationship or just need some support in exploring your feelings, we are here to help.
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Source:
The Common Neural Bases Between Sexual Desire and Love: A Multilevel Kernel Density fMRI Analysis
Stephanie Cacioppo Ph.D., Francesco Bianchi‐Demicheli MD, Chris Frum MS, James G. Pfaus Ph.D., James W. Lewis PhD