Let’s Talk About Sex (Maybe?)
Sex can be an uncomfortable topic to discuss, even for two people in a committed marital relationship. However, it shouldn’t be, especially when things are not going well. Some define a sexless marriage as occurring when couples engage in sexual activity 10 times or less during a year. However, others disagree with the rigidity of the definition of “sexual intimacy.” At least one doctor lowers the threshold to include any avoidance, whether intentional or not, of physical pleasure-seeking in a sexual partnership. [1] The bottom line, though, is if one or both of you is unhappy with the degree of sexual intimacy, whether through intercourse or other intimate contact, perhaps it is important to have a discussion.
Surviving a Sexless Marriage
The key to whether your marriage can survive this is whether you are both comfortable or happy with the level and frequency of physical intimacy. Perhaps you as a couple decide that you both are okay with a sexless marriage. But if one of you is not, then there are options to repair this problem.
5 Ways to Repair (and Survive) a Sexless Marriage
1. Talk about it. To understand why your marriage is sexless, you have to be willing to be honest with, or maybe listen to, your partner. This may be uncomfortable at first, but the more often you discuss sex, the better you will understand each other’s needs and desires. Ask questions, be honest, and listen well.
2. Address any barriers. There could be a number of reasons why one partner does not feel up to having sex. There are serious medical reasons, such as pain during intercourse, or hormonal reasons that lead to decreased libido. Or maybe he or she is just flat out exhausted. Once you have identified any barriers to intimacy, take appropriate steps to address them. See a doctor, adjust your diet, get some exercise, or make lifestyle adjustments to accommodate a healthier sex life. You have options!
3. Consider counseling. Counseling should never be a last resort. There are skilled, wonderful, trained counselors that will help you and your partner ask important questions about your relationship and sex. They will equip you with tools to help and may even provide you with “homework” options that are enjoyable for you both. Thank goodness, the tide is changing, and counseling is no longer seen as an option only for the weak. You will not regret taking this positive step for your relationship.
4. Do life together (even the boring stuff). The longer a couple lives together or is married, life can become mundane. Especially when kids come along, life changes dramatically. It’s important to keep doing life together. Wash dishes, cook, work out, play together. Do the things that you normally have to do, but do them together and talk to each other while you’re doing it. This helps bolster emotional intimacy which has been shown to improve physical intimacy.
5. Quit fixating on sex! Remember the dating phase of your relationship? Remember when you bought flowers for them and took them out to dinner? Don’t stop doing those things, and don’t do them just for the sex! Do them because you love them. Tell them that you love them, surprise them with gifts, be close, hold hands, and quit fixating so much on sex. Most women, though admittedly not all, need and crave this kind of interaction before they will ever feel safe enough to be sexually intimate. Woo your spouse; it will pay off.
Fight for it.
There are many helpful tips on this topic, but often sex is reduced to the positions and not the interaction. Sex is a whole-body, whole-person investment in the life and pleasure of another. If it is important to at least one of you, it is critical to fight for it for the sake of your marriage.
[1] https://www.healthline.com/health/healthy-sex/sexless-marriage
Sources:
https://www.healthline.com/health/healthy-sex/sexless-marriage
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/save-your-sex-life/201407/sexless-marriage-quick-fix-guide
https://bestlifeonline.com/repair-sexless-marriage/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/201407/love-lust
https://www.gottman.com/search-results/?swpquery=sex
https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/a19547607/how-to-save-your-marriage/