How Gottman Couples Therapy Can Affair Proof Your Marriage?
The Science of Adult Attachment explores early development dynamics. It suggests that your marital relationship is the first child of your partnership. When suspicions of infidelity arise, it can be a sign that your shared bond has been broken and has given rise to an unspoken fear of abandonment. The Sound Relationship House Theory was developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman. It provides deep insights into the nine common factors that can either lead to an affair or point to one in progress. By understanding these nine central pillars of marital health, couples can spot the early warning signs of disaffection and dysfunction. By doing so, they can take steps to bridge a chasm of mistrust.
According to the American Psychological Association, marriage remains our preferred way of life. In fact, over 90% of Westerners marry by the age of 50. But, 40-50% of these unions will end in divorce, and the likelihood of divorce in later marriages is even higher. One key driver of this persistent trend is the poor management of the marital relationship itself. And, a widespread conceptual misunderstanding of the nurturing a young marriage demands, given that it is a blend of the early childhood needs of both spouses. While developing The Gottman Method, Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Robert Levenson discovered that 69% of relationship problems are never “resolved” but can be improved through a lifelong commitment to growing together as partners and enhancing your shared love.
This rose has nine petals.
1. Love Maps
You feel that your partner is retreating into a private world. Becoming distant and unapproachable, or tight-lipped about their past. But, you may not yet know enough about the recurring fears, stresses, and daily concerns that weigh them down. How often do you both seek out joyful experiences, share your hopes, and articulate your dreams? Building “Love Maps” of shared histories, and vision boards of your future, can create the playful trust that fosters deeper honesty, intimacy, and vulnerability.
2. Fondness and Admiration
If you suspect that your partner is taking out their frustration or anger by engaging in an affair, you may need to face the specters of contempt, self-loathing, and self-destructive humiliation. Vocalizing your appreciation for each other will foster greater respect between you – and remind you to articulate your admiration. What do you look up to you in your partner? Support those qualities, and honor them with thanks.
3. Turn Towards Instead of Away
If your partner has become more and more “checked-out”, there may be a perceived rejection that you’re unaware of causing. It’s easy to get distracted by the whirlwind of life. Overlooking subtle advances, requests for connection, and unspoken signs of vulnerability, can be a fast-track to misunderstandings. Or hurt feelings and deeper resentments. Be clear and honest about your needs and be mindful of your partner’s sensitivities. Small things and little moments weave the intricate fabric of a loving marriage.
4. A Positive Perspective
Your partner is no longer attempting to resolve conflicts. They’ve spiraled into a negative frame of mind. Or, continually espouse a pessimistic view of your relationship. These are signs it may be time to reboot the positivity and optimism that first brought you together. Defeatism can lead to distance, distrust, perpetual disharmony, infidelity, and ultimately divorce. So, maintaining an uplifting vision of who you wish to be together, each day, can “bring you back to base” and lift your chins. All things DO pass, including hardship. So don’t let life’s buffeting struggles interrupt the intimacy of your union.
5. Manage Conflict
Had a bust-up? Spotted a missed call? Your marriage is a ship set sail upon windy waters, no amount of planning can prepare you for the journey of a lifetime. With challenges and set-backs come disappointment and conflict, as predictable as the rising and setting of the sun. So, don’t blame each other for the trials you face – but come towards each other with sincerity, passion, and open-heartedness that instills trust, commitment and appreciation for one another even when you disagree or have a conflict. It’s a life-long conversation, and over time we build a ladder of trust that we climb together.
6. Make Life’s Dreams Come True
If your partner is drifting an eye elsewhere, your relationship may not be fulfilling a vital part of each of your lives. Unspoken dreams and goals can leave each of you feeling a lack of purpose in life. More so, a lack of nurture or encouragement of those dreams can create feelings of unworthiness and disregard. Often, we don’t even know our dreams until we give voice to them. In moments of intimacy, create an atmosphere of trust. One in which your highest, most noble, and spiritual aspirations can find their voice and take wing. Supporting and honoring our partners dreams and goals is one of the greatest gifts we can give to our relationships.
7. Create Shared Meaning
A marriage in trouble is a tale that’s lost its thread. Every relationship has a story. Have fun reveling in your shared dreams and goals. Play with the fantasy of who you both are, together in love, and together across time. Invite the wonder of dreaming together into your life. Or, cultivate a sense of shared meaning by creating ways to make both of your dreams a reality within your relationship. It may sound silly. But, this bridging the gap between each others dreams is where we can create the narrative of your private life together – and deepen your bond.
8. Trust
Does your absent or detached partner know that you would lie down in traffic for them? Would you raise a sword over their wounded vulnerability? Are you their defender and keeper, through the great challenges of life? Beyond intimacy and friendship, marriage offers the promise of an unmatched trust, found in the oath of no other. If they leaped off a cliff, would you catch them? Raise your game, match each other’s serve – and be expressive in your support of one another.
9. Commitment
You remember the day: the diet to get into the dress, the night before with the guys – and all of your family and friends in attendance. That promise you made still has the power to bring you back to a place in your heart that remembers why you are committed in the first place. None of us make such promises lightly. And when we resolve to reaffirm our commitment to a lifelong marriage, come hell or high water, we discover that such commitment is rare.
When couples make the effort to focus on these 9 areas of their relationship, they can nurture and protect their relationship from the spiral of emotional disengagement that often leads to disconnection and breakup. Spend the time to solidify the foundation of your Sound Relationship House and create a lasting love.
Begin Gottman Couples Therapy at My Therapist
You deserve to have the support to heal and nurture your relationship. We hope to provide that support through our caring therapists that specialize in Gottman Method Couples Therapy at our Wake Forest, NC therapy clinic. We can provide you with the support to improve your marriage. If you are interested in improving your relationship, follow these simple steps:
Book your initial therapy session.
Meet with one of our caring therapists.
Start reconnecting with your partner!
Other Services Offered At My Therapist
Gottman Method couples therapy isn't the only service we offer. At our Wake Forest, NC therapy clinic, we also offer couples intensive therapy, AAMFT & LMHC approved supervision, foundations of lasting love, couples workshops and retreats, individual therapy for relationship issues, family therapy, and online therapy.
LINKS:
https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/quiz-relationship-science-attachment-quiz/
https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-attachment-theory-2795337
https://www.gottman.com/about/the-gottman-method/