Everything You Need to Know About Couples Therapy

Beginning couples therapy or marriage counseling can be an intimidating or embarrassing venture for many couples. But, no one should ever feel ashamed for wanting to better their relationship. Many couples struggle with basic relationship conflicts. These may include poor communication, lack of trust, lack of intimacy, or emotional distance. There’s a stigma involved with couples therapy. There is a belief that only couples on the brink of separation benefit from therapy, but that’s not true. Even couples with “normal” conflict and communication skills can better their relationship. By strengthening the foundational tools, couples can nurture more loving and fulfilling relationships. 

At My-Therapist, we believe couples at any stage can benefit from marriage counseling and couples therapy. We base our couples therapy sessions around the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) to dig into the root of the problem in your relationship. Together, we will develop key communication and conflict resolution skills. Also, we will create an environment in which your relationship can emotionally flourish. Keep reading to learn more about how you and your partner can benefit from couples therapy.   

The Gottman Method 

Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman developed The Gottman Method. It is an approach to couples therapy that uses a thorough assessment of a relationship. This helps to build a framework around redeveloping friendship behaviors, conflict management skills, and bringing a renewed shared meaning into a relationship. The main goals of the Gottman Method are to dismantle poor verbal communication and conflict. Additionally, it also works to increase intimacy, trust, and affection. By doing so, we can develop empathy and mutual respect. 

The Sound Relationship House Theory 

The Gottman Method is based around Drs. John and Julie Gottman’s nine components of healthy relationships. They referred to as The Sound Relationship House Theory. This theory uses the metaphor of a house. It centers around the idea that every relationship needs a firm foundation to have security and longevity.

The “house” is built by incorporating the following practices: 

Build Love Maps 

A practice centered around gaining a better understanding of your partner’s world, how they see the world, and what’s most important to them. 

Share Fondness and Admiration 

This practice is about building an appreciation towards your partner. This includes learning how to enjoy a majority of your partner’s personality and learning to understand your differences.

Turn Towards Instead of Away 

This practice is about learning how to have a respectful interest in your partner. Even if certain topics don’t particularly interest you. Turning towards your partner, even in conflict, will allow for better conflict resolution. Thus, helping fill up your “emotional bank account.”  

The Positive Perspective

This practice is about having a positive outlook on problem-solving and conflict resolution. 

Manage Conflict

This practice is about building on past practices to learn the best methods to manage conflict and come to a resolution. The main components of this practice include learning to compromise, learning to listen, and hearing one another and what you both need from each other. And, practicing how to remain calm during heated conflicts. 

Make Life Dreams Come True

This practice is about finding ways to get involved with and support your partner’s life goals and aspirations. We will work to create an environment where your partner feels safe to share these hopes with you. 

Create Shared Meaning 

The “roof” of the house is all about building off of the foundation to create a joined sense of purpose in your relationship. 

Trust 

One of the “walls” of the house is trust. You can’t create any of the foundational elements unless you and your partner have trust in each other. Otherwise, the entire house will fall around you.

Commitment

The second “wall” of the house is commitment. You can go through the motions of each foundational practice. But, if one or both halves are not invested in creating a healthy relationship, then you are both doomed to fail.

Emotionally Focused Therapy 

Dr. Sue Johnson and Dr. Les Greenberg developed Emotionally Focused Therapy in the 1980s. It is a short-term therapy method used to improve the emotional bond of a relationship. The basis is Emotionally Focused Therapy is the Attachment Theory. An attachment between two partners creates a secure and trusting place to call home. Without a sense of attachment, one or both partners can feel lost or aimless. 

Attachment Theory begins in childhood. Often between a child and a parent. The child feels safe to explore the world and learn new things because their foundational attachment provides safety and security. An insecure attachment between partners creates a sense of danger. As a result, this sets off the “primal fear” part of our brains and activates the amygdala. This triggers our flight or fight response. Once the flight or fight response comes into play, a person will go into self-preservation mode. They will do whatever is necessary to “survive” and return to a safe and secure place. Triggers in our adult lives have similarities with how we responded to unsafe situations in our developing years. Emotionally Focused Therapy focuses on these repeated behaviors to help dismantle negative stress responses. Instead, we will work to learn how to cope in a healthy and productive way.

The Three Steps Of EFT Are As Follows: 

De-escalation

This step is focused on defining certain negative behaviors that are the key escalators to conflict. These may be a person lashing out, shutting down, or becoming aggressive. These negative behaviors usually result from fear or anxiety. In fact, they may not even have to do with the situation at hand. Identifying the root of these behaviors before a conflict can allow couples to better understand each other. Or, where conflict comes from. 

Restructuring

The focus of this step is on sharing emotions and showing compassion to one another. Partners will learn how to be emotionally available to one another, show empathy, and become more engaged. The key component of this step is strengthening a secure bond in the relationship. 

Consolidation 

In this final step, your therapist will help you create new communication skills and help you practice these skills in real-time. These new skills will help you to create new positive conflict resolution patterns. These will replace old, negative patterns. The goal at the end of these three steps is to have a secure foundation to continue to build upon.  

Top Benefits Of Couples Therapy in North Carolina  

Often when couples begin looking into couples therapy, they think that the results are too good to be true. But, if each partner is willing to commit to the process, the benefits will speak for themselves. Even if you feel that you're in a place where your relationship is fine, there’s most definitely room for improvement. The top benefits of couples therapy include: 

1. Conflict resolution

   Every person is different, and thus our communication styles are often different. It’s very difficult to identify these differences when you are in the thick of it. Especially if you are in the middle of a heated situation. Couples therapy will provide you and your partner a safe space to identify these differences. Here, you can better understand your partner and come to solutions from a place of empathy.

2. Preventing future problems

   Often in relationships, small issues take on a domino effect. They snowballing until the problems are so big, you don’t even know where it all started. Signing up for couples therapy will allow you and your partner to identify small issues to prevent them from becoming insurmountable. These issues may have the potential to end your relationship.

3. Creating a safe space to vent

   It can be scary confronting problems within a relationship since humans usually don’t take criticism very well. But, you will meet with a couples counselor and a safe environment. You and your partner can come together to address these problems in a way that will limit hurt feelings and further insecurities.

Warning Signs That Marriage Counseling Is Necessary 

Often couples don’t see the warning signs of a failing marriage until they feel it’s too late. But, it’s never too late to try and fix your relationship, as long as both parties are willing. If you’re wondering if you’re heading for divorce, marriage counseling may be necessary. Pay attention to the following signs: 

1. You both have poor communication

   You and your partner let conflicts build up instead of addressing the issues in your marriage. This may mean you have poor communication skills, and couples therapy might be a good option.

2. There’s decreased affection and intimacy in your relationship

   There’s a myth in relationships that the “honeymoon stage” will end and all intimacy will go by the wayside. But, this isn’t true! In a healthy marriage, affection and intimacy should always be present. Couples therapy can help you create healthy intimacy habits. And, create that want for each other again.

3. There’s a lack of partnership

   If you begin seeing your husband or wife as an opponent, rather than a partner, something has gone wrong. There’s the saying that “the wife is always right” and this should be true of both partners! Couples therapy can help you rebuild this partnership. so that you both are always playing on the same team, instead of competing against each other.

4. There’s a lack of trust

   Unfortunately, affairs and secrets are relatively common in relationships. Usually, this is due to a lack of trust, communication, intimacy, and affection for one another. Going back to “partnership,” partners should always make it a point to be honest with one another. Trust is a lot easier to break down than build back up.

5. You’re drifting apart

   Sometimes couples come to the point where they stop spending time together. Not because they want to, but because it’s become a habit that’s too strong to break. Couples therapy can bring the two of you together. Together, you can rediscover the things you love about each other.

What To Expect During An Initial Couples Therapy Visit

The initial meeting will be for both you and your partner. You will learn about each of your perspectives on the problems that brought you to couples therapy and the history of your relationship. After your initial visit, you and your partner will receive the Gottman Relationship Check-Up. This is an assessment meant to help us discover the key issues and concerns you are facing together. We will also meet with each partner individually, after your first couples session. We will use this time to gain a better understanding of each partner’s personality, main concerns, and communication habits. 

Once the assessment is completed and we meet with you individually, we will all come back together with an agreed-upon framework. This may include several visits and necessary interventions. By doing so, we can create a long-term plan to ensure your relationship receives every tool to succeed. 

Begin Couples Therapy in North Carolina  

You deserve to live securely in your relationship. You will meet with one of our caring therapists from our Wake Forest, NC-based therapy office so we can further assess your relationship. Next, we will schedule one 90-minute joint session and two 50-minute individual sessions. Finally, we will work together to develop a framework to allow you and your partner to create a fulfilling and loving relationship built to last! To start coupes therapy, follow these simple steps.

1. Book your initial therapy session.

2. Meet with a caring couples counselor.

3. Start cultivating the relationship you deserve!

Other Services Offered At My Therapist

Couples therapy isn't the only service we offer. At our Wake Forest, NC-based therapy office, we also offer couples intensive therapy, AAMFT & LMHC approved supervision, foundations of lasting love, couples workshops and retreats, individual therapy for relationship issues, and family therapy. For more information, feel free to read our blog!

Links:

https://www.gottman.com/about/the-gottman-method/

https://www.gottman.com/blog/an-introduction-to-the-gottman-method-of-relationship-therapy/

https://www.verywellmind.com/emotionally-focused-therapy-for-distressed-couples-2303813

https://www.marriage.com/advice/counseling/4-benefits-of-marriage-counseling/

https://www.marriage.com/advice/therapy/6-signs-that-tell-you-need-marital-counseling/