Mastering Conflict Through The Art Of Mindful Listening

All relationships experience conflict moments, times when the need to get something off your chest overrides, not wanting to get into a potentially painful fight. Having conflicts and arguments is perfectly normal in any relationship, and when done in a healthy, caring way, they can rid the air of concerns or stressors that have been weighing you down.

When outside pressures are exceptionally high, it might seem like you or your partner are taking the frustrations and stresses you are experiencing out on each other but never really resolving anything. The COVID-19 outbreak, for example, has placed a strain on many relationships due to the sudden and unavoidable proximity couples have found themselves having to maneuver around.

Suddenly you and your partner may both be working from home and need to share the same space and resources. You are spending 24 hours a day with them and find yourself missing that feeling of being happy to see them at the end of a stressful day.

Many are also experiencing job loss and a sudden change in finances. Money is one of the most common reasons for a couple to argue, and without anywhere to go and no solution in sight, old grievances spring back up, and new ones seem to be appearing every day. Arguments are starting, both of you are having trouble getting your real concerns out in the open, and neither of you feels like the other is trying to offer support. Feeling heard and understood is a basic human need and a bedrock of a stable relationship.

One thing you can focus on during these conflicts that will help you keep a calm and cool head is the practice of mindful listening. Mindful listening, or active listening, is a skill set that will let you take control of your own emotions and responses while also helping you understand your partner's point of view.

Mindful listening takes practice. You can do a few key things to help you maintain an open mind and be receptive to your partner.

Physical Responses

Often, in an argument, you may feel something akin to "flight or fight," a sense that something painful or upsetting may be about to occur. Some people prefer to avoid conflict and become immediately defensive or withdrawn to end it quickly. If you are one of those, try to pinpoint your physical responses.

Tense shoulders, a racing heart, or shortness of breath are all indications that your body is feeling overwhelmed, and when that happens, your mind is not in an open and receptive place. It's focused on what's happening internally and how to get away.

When those things happen, remember to take a deep breath, counting to 4, then exhale, and count to 8. Repeat until you feel your body calming down. If you need to take a moment, or ten, to calm down, tell your partner calmly that you would like a few minutes to clear your head.

Focus on Them

It is common for the person not speaking to be busy coming up with responses, lining up defenses, and using assumptions to predetermine what the other person will say. If your mind is busy, then it is very easy to miss what your partner is actually trying to tell you.

Instead of trying to get ahead of them by preparing your response before they've finished speaking, focus on them exclusively. Pay attention to their body language. If you hear something that you don't understand, ask them about it.  Try not to interrupt but say something along the lines of "I think I understand what you're saying, is it…" Often, having to rephrase or explain it back to them will both help you understand, but it will also show them that you are actively paying attention.

Avoid Criticism and Judgement

Mindful listening comes from a place of empathy, but it is very easy to want to respond negatively. If your partner is saying something that sounds like a complaint or criticism, your first reaction may be to respond with your own list of grievances, or you may try to dismiss it as irrelevant. When practicing mindful listening, it is important to remember that you are trying to create a closer bond by understanding their perspective. 

Try the above methods, calm slow breathing, empty your mind, and focus your attention on them. Listen to the words and body language your partner is using. Remind yourself of the care and love you feel for them and how important it is to you that your relationship be successful.