Ten Signs You're In An Emotional Affair

“It’s been one of those days where everything went wrong. The first thing in the morning, my wife Gina was in one of her moods and didn’t have any time to listen to me about how stressful work has become lately. Traffic was terrible, and when I finally arrived for work 15 minutes late, the computer at my desk crashed. The project I’m working on is going to be late, my car is making a funny noise, the mortgage company didn’t get my payment, and the dog needs to get his shots. I was stressed and I knew Gina wouldn’t have time to listen. I called my friend Stacey. She always listens. We get along so well. We’re going to have dinner later. I told Gina I was working late.”

Does this sound like you? Do you have a close friend who is always willing to lend an ear, listen to your problems, and give you the emotional support you find lacking in your current relationship? Is this person your go-to when life gets rough? Do you keep secrets from your significant other about when you contact your friend? Then you may be having an emotional affair.

Investing your time in an emotional affair can be detrimental to your relationship with your significant other. Although platonic, emotional affairs take away the intimacy derived from honest and open communication. And these affairs can sometimes lead to physical and sexual intimacy which can immensely complicate your life.

Top ten signs you’re in an emotional affair:

1.    Keeping secrets. Your significant other may or may not know of your friendship with this other person, and you don’t reveal how often you communicate, meet, or how much time you spend together.

2.    Spending more time with your friend. Whether it’s on the phone, through texts, or meeting in person, you talk to your friend much more frequently than you do with your significant other.

3.    Sharing intimate thoughts and feelings. You no longer talk to your significant other about how you feel, nor do you share your problems. You feel that your friend understands you better.

4.    Anticipation. Do you look forward to spending time with your friend more than you do with your significant other? If given the choice, you would rather talk to your friend.

5.    Loss of sexual desire. The excitement and pleasure gained from being intimate with your significant other no longer arouses you. You would rather be on the phone with your friend than in bed with your significant other.

6.    Rationalization. Is the phrase, “We’re just friends” now part of your vocabulary? You tell yourself that you’re not having an affair because there is no physical intimacy involved in the relationship.

7.    Gift giving. Buying gifts for your friend “for no special reason” can reveal a heightened intimacy in the relationship. The gift can be something seemingly insignificant such as paying for lunch, or it can be more elaborate like a new television, refrigerator, or even a car.

8.    Daydreaming. When life gets complicated, you anticipate talking to your friend first and the thought never really leaves your mind. You don’t consider speaking to your significant other about your problems.

9.    Hostility. The friendship with your significant other is no longer the same. Your hostility level has increased because the only person who listens to you is your friend.

10. Withdrawing from your significant other. You just go through the motions of your relationship and no longer invest any emotions. Most or all of your emotional energy is reserved for your friend.

Should you find yourself in an emotional affair, you can get help by speaking with a therapist. There are several schools of thought when it comes to couples therapy including the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT).

According to the Gottman Institute, the Gottman Method “is an approach to couples therapy that includes a thorough assessment of the couple’s relationship and integrates researched-based interventions based on the Sound Relationship House Theory.” Couples focus on three primary areas: friendship, conflict management, and the creation of shared meaning.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) views people as social, relational, and hard-wired for intimate bonding with others. It is used in couples and family therapy to strengthen bonds and improve relationships.

Whichever method you choose to follow just remember that an emotional affair creates distance in your relationship and working on transparency and intimacy with your partner will help you create a lasting, loving relationship.

Cited works:

The Gottman Institute, www.gottman.com.

ICEEFT, https://iceeft.com/what-is-eft/.

“How an Emotional Affair Impacts Your Marriage”, Sheri Stritof, www.verywellmind.com.