Let's Get Real: Can Guys and Girls Be “Just Friends”?
It’s the age-old question: can we really be “just friends” with a person from the opposite sex? Traditionally, the answer has always been a straightforward “no”. However, does this wisdom still ring true today?
What the Research Says
Many cross-sex friendships do exist, and they exist without problem in our modern world. However, there are some notable trends that all couples should be aware of.
One of these trends is the finding that men typically have a much harder time being “just friends” with women. This is because men are much more likely to feel a sense of attraction to their female friends, and they often assume that their female ‘friends’ feel the same way. To make things more complicated, men are also much more likely to ‘make a move’ or act on that sense of attraction. This understandably causes tension in the friendship, with many women often becoming frustrated that someone they considered a pal wants something more from the friendship.
3 Common Situations & Pitfalls
Whether you’re single or in a committed relationship, it is important to be aware of common situations where you may find yourself in an ‘awkward’ friendship. Here are three examples along with potential pitfalls.
1. At the workplace
Professional friends and acquaintances at work are no doubt crucial to a successful career. However, things can become uncomfortable if friendships with colleagues take a romantic turn. Here are two potential pitfalls to be aware of.
Spending too much time at “work” together with a colleague.
If you catch yourself preferring your life at work with a colleague to your life at home with your partner, you may want to ask yourself why. If it’s because you are attracted to them, be honest with yourself, set some boundaries, and communicate your feelings with your partner.
Attending overnight events and conferences where alcohol may be involved.
If you have a flirtatious friendship with a work colleague, overnight events and conferences – especially when alcohol is involved – can often lead to big mistakes that you will regret later. Be aware of these potential risky situations and set some boundaries for yourself if you think things may get out of hand.
2. At social activities, sports, and hobbies
Whether you are active in sports or play in a local band, social activities and hobbies are a wonderful place to make lasting friendships. However, make sure that you are aware of the following pitfall when making friends with the opposite sex.
Wanting to exclude your partner from your hobby/activity.
If this sounds like you, you may need to be honest with yourself about why you don’t want your romantic partner to be involved with your hobby. Is it because you may have feelings for one of your “friends” and you don’t want your partner to see you both together? If so, you may need to join a different group or cut ties altogether with the individual to remove the temptation.
3. From your past
Maintaining friendships from our formative years can be wonderful in helping us feel connected to our past and personal histories. However, it is important to make sure that we are careful when staying “just friends” with our past relationships. Here is one potential pitfall to look out for:
Romanticizing the past as being better than it actually was.
When we reconnect with old friends or exes from our past, we often have a romanticized view of how great the relationship was. With our exes, in particular, it is important that we do not let our minds wander to what ‘could’ have been. This is not fair to our existing partners and is not a healthy way to keep in touch with old friends.
What to do if Your Relationship is in Trouble
At the end of the day, open and honest communication with yourself and your partner is key to overcoming a damaged relationship due to an external friendship. If you find yourself in this situation, remember to always:
- Be honest with yourself and your partner
- Take time to evaluate the situation
- Set clear boundaries and
- Prioritize, nurture, and make time for your romantic partner.
Sources
1. https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/articles/200109/can-men-and-women-be-friends
3. https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/men-and-women-cant-be-just-friends/
4. https://www.gottman.com/blog/not-just-friends-recovering-from-emotional-affair/
5. https://www.npr.org/2016/11/12/500733094/can-men-and-women-be-friends-without-benefits