Don’t Get Caught in the middle

The holidays bring family into a relationship in a very concentrated way. There are two families, two sets of traditions, and a lot of expectations, all packed into a few weeks. Whose house do we go to first? How long do we stay? What do we say when a parent comments on how we spend money or raise our kids? When couples don’t work through these questions together, one partner often ends up caught in the middle.

Dr. John Gottman’s research has found that most conflict in relationships is ongoing, rooted in lasting differences in personality, values, or upbringing. Holiday tension with family usually falls into that category. The goal isn’t to make those differences disappear. It’s to handle them in a way that keeps the two of you connected.

Get on the same page before anyone else weighs in

Talk through the season together before making commitments to family. Which traditions matter most to each of you? How do you want to split your time? What feels like a reasonable budget for gifts and travel? Once you’ve decided, share the plan as a team. “We’ve decided” lands very differently than “my partner wants.”

Let each partner speak to their own family

When a limit needs to be communicated, it usually goes better coming from the partner whose family it is. Parents and siblings tend to hear it more easily from their own child or sibling, and it keeps either of you from being cast as the reason things changed.

Decide your limits ahead of time

Agree on how long you’ll stay, which topics are off the table, and how one of you can signal that you need a break or are ready to leave. Having a plan in place makes it much easier to stay calm when a conversation starts heading somewhere uncomfortable.

Start hard conversations gently

When you’re tired and overwhelmed, it’s easy to open with criticism. Gottman calls the alternative a “softened startup.” Instead of “You never stand up to your mom,” try “I felt hurt by what was said at dinner, and I’d love for us to figure out how to handle it next time.” The concern is the same, but the conversation goes very differently.

Make room for grief and complicated history

For some people, the holidays bring loss, loneliness, or painful family memories. If this season is harder for your partner than it is for you, a little curiosity goes a long way. Asking “What would make this time of year feel better for you?” can mean more than any gift.

Protect time for just the two of you

In a season that belongs to everyone else, keep a few small rituals that are yours alone, like a walk after dinner, a drive to see the lights, or a quiet half hour once the house settles.

When to reach out for support

If you find yourselves having the same argument every December, or if family stress is creating distance between you, couples therapy can help you understand what’s underneath it and find a better way forward. Our therapists at My-Therapist, Inc. help couples in Raleigh, Wake Forest, and across North Carolina navigate the holidays effectively and healthily everyday.

Our Services At My-Therapist In Wake Forest, NC.

At My-Therapist Inc, we offer a range of therapy services designed to meet the diverse needs of our clients:

Individual Therapy: Personalized one-on-one sessions for individuals aged 16 and up to address various mental health concerns, personal growth, and life challenges.
Couples Therapy: Specialized sessions for couples aiming to improve communication, resolve conflicts, and strengthen their relationship.
Family Therapy: Therapy sessions for families to enhance communication, resolve conflicts, and build stronger, healthier family dynamics.
Virtual Therapy: Convenient and accessible virtual therapy sessions available to clients in both North Carolina and Georgia, ensuring you can receive support from the comfort of your home.
In-Person Therapy: Face-to-face therapy sessions available in our Wake Forest, NC office, providing a welcoming and safe environment for your therapeutic journey.

We are dedicated to offering compassionate and effective therapy services to support your mental health and well-being. Contact us today to learn more about how we can help you.

Begin Therapy In Wake Forest, NC Or Virtually Anywhere In North Carolina

Our team would be honored to offer you and your partner the relationship support you need. We offer couples therapy from our Wake Forest, NC-based practice and across North Carolina via online therapy. You can meet with a caring therapist by following these simple steps today:

1. Book your initial therapy session.

2. Meet with a caring therapist.

3. Start receiving the support you and your partner deserve.