Finding out that your partner has experienced sexual violence is a difficult reality to face. A myriad of emotions may flood you from shock, rage, despair, and helplessness. It can be hard to handle all of those feelings, especially when you feel the pressure of being your partner’s “rock.” After all, they are the ones who experienced this violence directly. However, it is important to understand: this affects you  too. It’s okay to have your own needs and emotions about it. In fact, there is a term for loved ones who are  supporting a survivor of sexual assault: secondary survivors.

Sexual violence, like many other traumatic events, has far-reaching effects. It causes suffering for survivors, and for those who love them. The effects of this trauma can be sneaky, and can manifest in ways that may seem unrelated.

Sexual trauma can lead to a wide range of symptoms and reactions, such as:

• Nightmares, trouble sleeping or sleeping more than usual

• Anxiousness/fear

• Emotional numbness

• Flashbacks or panic attacks

• Avoidance of things that remind them of the traumatic event(s)

• Isolation/withdrawing socially

• Hypersexual responses

• Anger/irritability

• The urge to control surroundings. This may manifest in a variety of ways, such as excessive cleaning, a desire for strict schedules, wanting more access or responsibility about bills or legal documents, etc

• Hypervigilance. This can look like “being on guard”, scanning surroundings, seeming tense or being “jumpy”

• Having trouble making decisions, or second-guessing themselves

• Change in appearance, including clothing choices

• Change in appetite

• Fatigue

• Increased use of substances

• Trouble completing daily tasks/decreased concentration

• Crying spells

Tips for Supporting a Survivor of Sexual Violence

1. Seek counseling for yourself. This violence has affected you too, even if the effects are different than the ones your loved one is experiencing. You deserve support too.

2. Practice self-care. Taking care of yourself first may seem selfish, but it really isn’t. Your needs matter. If you don’t take care of your own needs, you can’t help anyone else. Supporting someone after a traumatic event is like flying on an airplane without enough oxygen. You have to put your own mask on first; if you don’t, you’ll pass out, and then you can’t help anyone else reach their own mask. Consider ways of caring for yourself both physically and emotionally.

3. Know that you can’t fix this for your partner. And that sucks. Your loved one has to navigate their own healing journey at their pace. You can support them as they go on this journey, but you can’t do the work for them, as much as you may want to. It’s also important that your partner has other sources of support outside of you. It is normal for you to need breaks from talking about this, and no one can sustain being the sole source of support without side effects.

4. Do what works best for you and your partner. Each survivor has their own unique needs and preferences. What works for one person may not for another. The skill that you find helpful may be different than another couple. Talk to your partner about what they would like you to do, or not do. They may not know yet, and that’s okay. The key is to communicate about this and respect their autonomy.

5. Learn. See some of the resources below to learn more about healing from sexual violence, how you can support your partner, and navigating life as a secondary survivor.

6. Connect. Join a support group, whether it be in-person or online, or join an online forum. Being able to talk to other people experiencing similar pain can reduce the sense of loneliness and overwhelment that can come with the aftermath of sexual violence. Or, see if there is a friend or pastor that your significant other is okay with you disclosing to, so you can have support that way.

7. Continue routines that feel safe for both of you. This can help create a sense of calm and normalcy, and will help keep you connected to each other. Keep making tacos on Tuesdays, or going for your nightly walk, or going to the farmer’s market on Sunday.

8. Create a nonverbal cue for if they need to take a break from sex or from a conversation or to indicate they are triggered. For example, tapping you on the shoulder 3 times or making a T-shaped “timeout” sign. It’s okay if you need to use it too.

   1. Avoid common pitfalls. Don’t:

   2. Threaten the perpetrator

   3. Pressure them to report

   4. Ask for a lot of details.

   5. Assume you know what they need

   6. Tell others without consent. (If you already have, avoid this in the future and give yourself grace. No one is born knowing how to navigate this situation.)

9. Communicate. Here are some important considerations for your conversations:

   1. Remind them that it wasn’t their fault

   2. Listen

   3. Learn what their triggers are

   4. Talk about physical boundaries

   5. Offer to help them find a counselor; offer to go with them for the first session or to wait in the waiting room. Offer to find a couple’s counselor.

Resources:

http://www.openingthecircle.ca/defining-abuse/for-partners-of-survivors-of-sexual-abuse

http://www.rainn.org

https://cmsac.org/education-safety-reporting/concerned-persons/

https://sexualassault.utah.edu/secondary-survivors/

http://www.safespaceonline.org/awareness-of-the-month---the-secondary-survivor.html

Begin Working With A Therapist Today!

Our team would be honored to offer you and your partner support. We offer support from our Wake Forest, NC-based practice and across the state via online therapy. You can meet with a caring therapist by following these simple steps today:

1. Book your initial therapy session.

2. Meet with a caring therapist.

3. Start receiving the support you and your partner deserve.

Other Services Offered At My Therapist

We offer a variety of in-person and online services from our Wake Forest, NC-based practice. Our team is happy to offer individual therapy for relationship issues, couples workshops, and marriage counseling. We also offer family therapy, therapy for relationship trauma, couples intensive therapy, foundations of lasting love, and AAMFT supervision. For more helpful information, please read our blog or visit our services page!