Cheating, infidelity, emotional affairs – big betrayals are extremely hurtful and traumatic for any relationship. And while a break-up or divorce is inevitable for some couples, there may be hope for other couples willing to put the past behind them and move forward. Here is a look at six steps both couples can take to successfully reach a place of forgiveness after a betrayal.

Step 1: Be honest with yourself

Even though it may be painful, both parties must approach the forgiveness process from a place of honesty. A lot of the time we think that we are honest with ourselves even though we are not. That’s why it’s so important to take a moment, in private, to reflect on your own role in this relationship and what you really want from it.

You may want to ask yourself:

·       What would a positive outcome of this event look like for me?

·       What are my long-term goals for my relationship/life?

·       How have my actions impacted the situation?

Step 2: Physically write down your perspective

Now that you are in a mindset of honesty, take some time to physically write down what is on your mind. This can help you to further clarify your thoughts, process complex emotions, and discard all of the negativity that may be built up inside of you. Oftentimes it is helpful to write a letter to your partner outlining your perspective.

Remember, this is an activity for you to do on your own. After your letter is written, you can either put it in a safe place or rip it up and throw it away.

Step 3: Come together to analyze what happened

Once your thoughts are clarified, you can then come together in a safe place to discuss and analyze what happened. What events led up to the betrayal? Are there any long-term issues that have been building up but never discussed openly?

For this step to work, both parties must be willing to be fearlessly honest with each other. Additionally, you should refrain from insulting, belittling, or attacking one another’s character during the process. Remember, you are both on the same side and you are working together to find a solution.

Step 4: Decide if you want to continue the relationship

After getting everything out in the open, both parties need to decide if they want to continue the relationship or not. You may not come to this decision overnight – and that’s okay! Give yourself some time to cool off and process your emotions.

While it is important to give yourself some time, you should also make sure not to leave your partner without an answer indefinitely. This is not fair to either party and will ultimately prolong the recovery and forgiveness processes.

Step 5: Move Forward

If a decision has been made by both parties to stay together, you can then make a collective effort to put the past behind you and move forward. Here are some final steps that both parties can take to move forward.

Final Steps for the partner who committed the betrayal

·       Apologize

·       Ask your partner to forgive you.

·       Cut all ties with the person you had an affair with.

·       Make a concerted effort to make your partner feel safe, loved, and valued.

·       Tell your partner that you are excited to move forward together with them.

Final steps for the partner who was betrayed

·       Apologize for any negative actions you may have taken in the aftermath of the betrayal.

·       Tell your partner that you forgive them for betraying you.

·       Tell your partner that you are excited to move forward together with them.

Step 6: Commemorate the Moment

After both parties have made the commitment to forgive and continue the relationship, try to do something together to commemorate the moment and make it special. It can be something symbolic like privately renewing your vows or exchanging cards. Or, you can go out for a nice meal together. Commemorative moments are a great way to set a barrier between the past and the future, and they also help set a positive tone moving forward.

Begin Marriage Crisis Counseling in Wake Forest, NC

An affair doesn’t have to spell the end of your relationship. Our team of caring therapists has helped many couples in navigating betrayal and learning to repair their relationships. We are happy to offer support from our Wake Forest, NC-based practice and across the state via online therapy. To start your therapy journey, please follow these simple steps:

1. Book your initial therapy session.

2. Meet with a caring therapist.

3. Start repairing your relationship!

Other Services Offered at My Therapist

Our team understands you are a complex person that may need support with a variety of mental health concerns. This is why My Therapist is happy to offer a variety of services in addition to affair recovery. Other mental health services offered include couples intensive therapy, AAMFT & LMHC approved supervision, foundations of lasting love, couples workshops and retreats, individual therapy for relationship issues, and family therapy. We also offer divorce counseling, Christian counseling, co-parent counseling, infertility counseling, child loss therapy, and prenatal therapy. For more information, feel free to read our blog to learn more!

Sources

·       https://www.gottman.com/blog/forgiveness-can-transform-marriage/

·       https://positivepsychology.com/forgiveness-marriage-relationships/

·       https://www.gottman.com/blog/10-things-try-giving-marriage/

·       https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/john_gottman_on_trust_and_betrayal

·       https://www.gottman.com/blog/self-care-trusting-yourself/

·       https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/naked-truth/201405/how-do-i-know-when-i-am-lying-myself