Explained: How to Deal with A Selfish Partner
Romantic relationships involve a dance of giving and receiving. But, if you feel you’re being taken for granted by a selfish partner, you may be wondering how to cope with that imbalance. Sometimes your relationship starts imbalanced. Yet rose-colored glasses make it difficult to identify this fact until later in the relationship. Your relationship may have once known balance and has shifted over time. You may have frustration, thinking that ending the relationship is a course you need to take. But, there are ways you can deal with the selfishness of your partner to create a dynamic that works for you.
Selfishness Explored
Selfish acts appear to come from a place of self-centeredness with no regard for the other. But, it is oftentimes a mask used by people who feel very insecure.[1]. As the giver in a relationship with a selfish partner, you may find yourself moving toward your partner. Thus offering affection or acts of service to keep them engaged. Feelings of not being “enough” can cause a partner to retreat into their minds. Causing them to navigate feelings of unworthiness or shame. Without using emotional intelligence, it can be difficult for a selfish partner to break away from those feelings of inadequacy. Thus making it difficult to present enough to meet your needs in the relationship.
Being Compassionate May Seem Counterintuitive
Compassion for the selfish person may first feel counterintuitive. But selfish behavior is worth exploring with a touch of empathy. Lisa Marie Bobby, Ph.D. is a marriage counselor based out of Colorado. She notes that emotional intelligence “exists on a spectrum,”. This means your partner may be showing the qualities of someone lacking high emotional intelligence.[2]. This tends to show up in thinking and behaviors that reflect the self. These patterns very rarely acknowledge the thoughts, feelings, and actions of others. Often, these behaviors stem from childhood. During which, their own needs were not taken into consideration. When children do not experience healthy attachment with caregivers, they can develop maladaptive behaviors[3]. In this case, a string of selfish thinking and acts in adulthood.
When Dealing With A Selfish Partner, Approach Is Everything
Your partner may have some underlying childhood experiences they are unaware of. So, their selfish behavior may be completely unknown to them. They could be so wrapped up in their thoughts or looking to get their needs fulfilled. As a result, they fail to examine the deeper issues directing their behavior. It may be tempting to call them out on their behavior – but this could backfire. This may be the first time their behavior is being reflected onto them. So, it could trigger a strong, undesirable reaction.
Use a Tender Thoughtful Approach
A tender, thoughtful conversation would be the best approach. Calling your partner selfish could cause them to become defensive and retreat further. They could even feel victimized or attacked, deepening the divide between the two of you. Never approach your partner to discuss a sensitive topic if either of you is agitated. Instead, be mindful of when you approach your partner to ensure you are both in a calm, receptive state. This will allow for a productive conversation to ensue.
Create a neutral environment for conversation
Joshua Klapow, Ph.D., suggests having a conversation that is not about your partner’s selfishness. Instead, discuss the situations that negatively affect you.[4]. This creates a neutral environment for conversation. Here, you can discuss your personal feelings and needs without making your partner feel defensive. When you keep the conversation focused on expressing your thoughts and expectations while excluding accusatory statements, your partner is much more likely to remain receptive.
It’s Very Possible Your Partner is Unaware of Their Selfish Behavior
It’s very possible that despite how obvious their selfish behavior is; they are completely unaware of how it is affecting you. If your partner hasn’t had a strong model of collaborative behavior in relationships, they may not know how to consider another’s feelings. Or, how to compromise. This allows you to discuss what those concepts mean to you and how they make you feel. If your partner is genuinely interested in continuing an intimate relationship with you, they will listen to what you have to say. They will adjust to stay in harmony with you. Don’t expect an overnight change, though. Behavioral adjustments take time, enforcement, and repetition. These changes will require patience on your behalf.
Create Boundaries in Couples Therapy
The importance of boundaries in relationships can’t be stressed enough. Although a conversation with your partner can encourage positive behavior, you can only control your actions. Nancy Levin, author of Setting Boundaries Will Set You Free, discusses the importance of recognizing what your non-negotiables are. This means the behaviors you are unwilling to accept in your relationship.[5]. After conscious attempts to communicate your needs to your partner, they may still fail to show up for you. In this event, it becomes your responsibility to better examine your state of mind. You may be attempting to get your needs met by a partner who is simply unable to meet you where you are. At that point, you must take a step back and delve into self-inquiry to discover your worth and what you deserve.
Couples Therapy in Wake Forest, NC can Help
Self-examination is for both you and your partner as you navigate the many twists and turns of your lives together. If you and your partner are both committed to making your relationship work, you may consider counseling to have a neutral third party. This can help you navigate conflict and compromise. The goal of couple’s therapy is to establish the kind of secure attachment that leaves you both feeling heard and respected.[6]
Commit to a Common Goal
When you and your partner are both willing to commit to a common goal, you are unstoppable. In this case, into developing a secure attachment with one another. Your relationship turns into a true partnership, instead of two opponents attempting to share a bond. There will be a learning curve and a little discomfort as you practice new communication skills. But, the emotional rewards are worth it. Take time to examine the possibilities and move forward to connect with your partner. Use boundaries as needed, and request some outside help if you’re both ready for it!
Begin Couples Therapy in Wake Forest, NC
You can create a stronger bond with your partner, and overcome selfish habits. Our caring therapists offer support for dealing with a selfish partner from our Wake Forest, NC-based therapy practice. If you are ready to start strengthening your relationship, follow these simple steps today:
Begin strengthening your relationship.
Other Mental Health Services Offered at My-Therapist in Wake Forest, NC
In addition to Couples Therapy, we offer several other services geared toward improving your relationships. These services include Individual Therapy, Sex and Intimacy Therapy, Couples Intensive Therapy, and Couples Workshops and Retreats. We look forward to hearing from you soon!
Sources
[1] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/debunking-myths-the-mind/201008/the-psychology-selfish-lovers
[2] https://www.oprahmag.com/life/relationships-love/a29416336/dealing-selfish-people/
[3] https://cptsdfoundation.org/2018/10/08/secure-attachment-style-in-adulthood-how-it-affects-your-life-and-relationships/
[4] https://www.elitedaily.com/p/heres-what-to-do-if-your-partner-is-selfish-according-to-experts-15828485
[5] https://inspirenationshow.com/nancy-levin-setting-boundaries/
[6] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-it-together/201712/couples-therapy-does-it-really-work