9 Tips for Separated Couples Who Want to Continue Online Couples Therapy
Couples separate for many reasons and often, it’s the best decision they can make to save their relationship. When your living environment becomes toxic with high-stress, resentments, arguments, and pressure, it becomes nearly impossible to think clearly. Separation gives both you and your partner the time and space you both need to make decisions from a calm and thoughtful place. Navigating a separation can feel challenging, but it doesn’t have to be. Below we explore nine tips for making this journey productive and favorable.
1. Think Ahead
When you and your partner decide on a trial separation, it’s important to think ahead and set boundaries. Take some time to discuss the details of your separation. Will you be living separately, or will you continue to share the same roof? Discuss the preferred outcome – if you’re both invested in making your relationship work, this influences the decisions you make during the separation. Some separations include the option to date other people – these details need to be clarified upfront. If children are part of the equation, discuss shared responsibilities during the separation. Consider what your lives will look like if you stay apart and how you will navigate the changes (holidays, birthdays, vacations, etc.) in the coming years.[1]
2. Remain Solution-Oriented
For some couples, the solution is working through their issues and returning to their relationship with the tools required for a secure and loving connection. For others, it may just be deciding how to navigate life post-divorce. Either way, it’s a choice you each have to make and commit to. If you share your trial separation prematurely with friends and family, you will likely both be bombarded with the thoughts and opinions of others.[2] Don’t allow yourself to be swayed in any direction that isn’t aligned with what your heart desires. Privacy, as you work with your counselor, allows you to have a clear understanding of yourself and your partner. In turn, empowers you to make a well-informed and centered decision.
3. List Your “Musts”
A trial separation is usually the result of long-standing behaviors that have eroded the patience of a partner. This usually goes both ways. For you to reinvest your time, heart, and energy in the relationship, you’ll need to have specific needs met and see behavioral changes that signal your partner’s commitment. You will have to commit to making changes as well. List out your “musts” for the relationship to continue and discuss those with your partner. When you communicate effectively during the counseling process, you’ll each gain a deeper understanding of one another’s needs and can work toward fulfilling those needs in a loving way.
4. Remember Your Love for Your Partner
When in the midst of conflict, it can be very difficult to remember all the attributes your partner has that caused you to fall in love in the first place. Similar to a gratitude journal, taking the time to list the qualities you appreciate about your partner can help you get into a headspace that allows you to see them as a whole person with a variety of behaviors, instead of just the person you’re in conflict with. This shift in perception promotes a change in your own behavior, which then reverberates back to your partner. Over time, your behavior with your partner can shift, causing them to shift as well. When you return to the reasons you love your partner and allow your behavior to reflect that love, you’ll likely be pleasantly surprised by the results.
5. Be Willing to Embrace Vulnerability
Anger is a secondary emotion that protects you from revealing some of the deeper, more vulnerable emotions you may be feeling.[3] Rejection, frustration, and humiliation can all bubble up in bursts of anger. Instead of responding to your partner’s anger or your own anger, ask the deeper question: “What emotion is this anger protecting?” Be willing to get vulnerable with your partner and discuss the underlying feelings that get you riled up. When you can speak from a vulnerable place, you give your partner the opportunity to address the source of the problem, instead of just reacting to the outburst.
6. Collaborate on a Project
Relationships are about teamwork. Learning one another’s strengths, stepping in as necessary for direction, and being willing to rely on one another and collaborate for a common outcome. Re-learning how to be a team is a great way to continue discovering one another’s strengths. Maybe you’ve neglected the garage and it needs a thorough cleaning; maybe it’s the yard; it may even be a creative project you could both enjoy. Take time to collaborate on a project with a common goal and you’ll rediscover parts of your partner you appreciate.
7. Address Your Resentments
Neither of you will be able to move forward successfully without excavating your past hurt and resentment. Sometimes, all it takes is to say it out loud and receive an acknowledgment. Sometimes, an apology is in order. Either way, vocalizing your resentments is a great way to get them “out” of you; if you continue to keep them tucked away inside your mind, you are doing yourself and your partner a disservice. Acceptance of what has occurred along with forgiveness for poor displays of behavior lays a solid foundation for you to move forward successfully.
8. Establish Productive Communication Strategies
When you and your partner understand one another’s needs, the relationship has a chance of not only surviving, it has the potential to thrive. Ask your counselor about effective communication strategies that empower you to share your vulnerabilities, keep you from pointing fingers at your partner, create an environment of safety and understanding, and encourage you to problem solve collaboratively.
There is so much hope if you and your partner are invested in improving your relationship. Whatever you decide, you’ll have developed a greater understanding of yourself and your partner, you will have benefitted from the input of a well-informed third party, and you will have had the space and time you need to practice strategies for your emotional wellness.
Begin Online Couples Therapy in North Carolina
Giving yourself time and space can help improve your relationship. But, this is much easier said than done. Our team of caring therapists would be honored to support you from our Wake Forest, NC-based practice. We are happy to offer services across the state via online therapy. To start your therapy journey, please follow these simple steps:
Book your initial therapy session
Meet with one of our caring online therapists.
Start experiencing the benefits of online therapy!
Other Services Offered At My Therapist
Online couples therapy isn't the only service we offer at our Wake Forest, NC therapy office. We also offer couples intensive therapy, couples therapy, AAMFT & LMHC approved supervision, foundations of lasting love, couples workshops and retreats, individual therapy for relationship issues, and family therapy.
[1] https://www.fatherly.com/love-money/relationship-advice-married-couples-considering-divorce/
[2] https://www.marriage.com/advice/separation/being-apart-to-stay-together/