If lack of sex is the elephant in the room, the idea of broaching the topic with your wife might seem as uncomfortable. In fact, it can feel like being a teenager having that sex talk with your parents. It's no wonder so many seek marriage counseling for the issue. But, it’s possible to bring the issue to the table and hash it out in a way that brings the “birds and the bees” back to your marriage.

First Of All, What’s A Sexless Marriage?

There’s no standard number that defines a sexless marriage. Some couples are perfectly happy having sex once a month. Yet, others have a problem if the frequency dips below five times a week.

If you’re looking for a solid reference point, 10 times or less per year is generally considered minimal. But don’t get hung up on the frequency. The important thing is to explain how having unmet sexual needs is negatively affecting you.

Saying Your Truth

If you’re planning to talk with your wife or marriage counselor, it already means you’re not happy being in a sexless marriage. In fact, no one's sexual needs are being met. So to avoid feeling resentful or seeking sexual relief elsewhere, you’re willing to bring up this sensitive and touchy topic.

While it’s good that you’re choosing not to avoid the issue, you may also need to do the following to get the discussion off to a good start. without sounding like you’re blaming, shaming, or accusing your wife:

• Write your thoughts and feelings on the matter and let them sit. Come back and read it all out loud later. How does it sound? How would you feel if the words were addressed to you?

• Seek help from a qualified sex therapist who can guide you on the right way to express your concerns to your wife.

Digging Into The Root Cause of Your Sexless Marriage

During the talk, be prepared to hear your wife’s side of the story. For women, a sexless marriage is a plague that persists due to these common reasons:

• She might not feel connected to you. As John Gottman might say, perhaps you’re attuned to her Love Map. For most women, an emotional connection comes first before physical intimacy.

• She might not feel sexy or attractive anymore, so she’s unlikely to start sexual activity.

• Her sexual appetite might be low due to stress, parenting, birth control, depression, and health issues. Or her libido just isn’t as high as yours.

• She’s not aware that you consider the marriage sexless. To her, your bedroom life is great.

• She doesn’t find the sex fulfilling and feels pressured to engage.

• There may be other underlying problems. Whether physical, hormonal, psychological, or linked to the relationship itself.

Because it takes two to tango, you should also be willing to consider how you have contributed to your sexless marriage scenario. Explain any problems you’re struggling with that may be exacerbating the situation to your wife.

Moving Forward To A Better Sex Life Together

The trick to solving a sexless relationship is to have more sex, but it’s not as cut and dried. First, there’s no magic number that puts you out of the no-sex or low-sex zone. It’s all about finding common ground with your partner.

Also, being in a sexless marriage doesn’t mean you have to start throwing the divorce word around. Yes, sex in a marriage is essential, but as long as your wife agrees to address the problem, you’ll need to hold on to your horses. Seeking marriage counseling from a sex therapist can help you address this issue. Even if she is slow to come around, try as much as possible to exercise loving patience before you consider a sexless marriage to be a deal-breaker.

Here are some tips to help you build intimacy between the sheets:

• Rekindle that special spark by scheduling sex frequently and prioritizing quality time activities. These could be movie nights, massaging each other’s bodies, going on walks, or an extended vacation.

• Get help from a sex expert. This could be a sex therapist who provides marriage counseling or specialized services such as Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). These services serve couples experiencing your particular brand of problems.

• Get interested and enthusiastic about changing your current views and expectations around sex. For instance, you can learn about how, according to Gottman Couples Therapy ideals, the two of you should differentiate between spontaneous desire and responsive desire. The first is what happens during the honeymoon period, and the second is what sustains your sex life long after the excitement has faded.

Begin Marriage & Family Counseling in Wake Forest, NC

You don’t have to lose that spark. You can rekindle intimacy with your partner and enjoy sex again. Our marriage and family counselors can help you along this journey. Our Wake Forest, NC-based therapy practice would be honored to support you. To begin, follow these simple steps:

1. Contact My-Therapist

2. Meet with a caring therapist

3. Find that flame and cultivate your marriage

Other Services Offered at My-Therapist

Marriage and Family Counseling is not the only service we offer from our Wake Forest, NC-based therapy practice. Other mental health services include online therapy, couples intensive therapy, AAMFT & LMHC approved supervision, foundations of lasting love, couples workshops and retreats, Gottman method couples therapy, emotionally focused couples therapy, and individual therapy.

Sources

https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-top-myths-about-lust-and-love-and-how-they-can-ruin-your-sex-life-part-one/

https://www.healthline.com/health/healthy-sex/sexless-marriage#will-it-lead-to-divorce

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/why-my-wife-isnt-interested-in-sex

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/sexless-relationships-causes-and-how-to-fix